This next incident is one of my favorites to date, and it is interesting because I did not approach a shoplifter and did not even to. It just so happened that one shift as I was working I started watching a man, that looked strangely like Leonardo DeCaprio, (again I suck at spelling so that’s my best guess). But it is funny how often I see people that resemble famous personalities. We had one lady that looked like a fat version of Sarah Palin, no kidding and its not like tons of celebrities are rushing to suburban America to steal stuff they have more than enough money to buy…its just their look alike’s. But anyway I’m watching Leonardo. And I see that he is talking to a buddy of his, we’ll call him Dan. Well as enthralled as I am with Leonardo, Dan seems to be very intent upon twisting the underwear he has selected into the smallest ball possible…if you don’t see this coming, don’t apply for a job as a detective…but surprisingly he tries to steal them. Unlike my previous shoplifters he realizes we have cameras and makes me work a little to see where he hides is plunder.
At this time I would like to note that sometimes we do not stop a person on a technicality in our policies, which are designed to protect us from getting sued. And since I don’t want to let all the shoplifters reading this know the best way to steal, I’m just going to leave it at that. On this occasion one such technicality occurred, and I could not stop him, so the next gun I have in my arsenal is what basically amounts to scare tactics; basically letting the shoplifter know, you know, and convincing them that it’s not worth it to risk getting caught. So I decide to do this, and go to the floor to get close to him and play with his mind. If I seem strangely amused with playing with his mind, it’s because I am, a grown man should not be stealing underwear, and if he does deserves to suffer for it. So I followed him through the store letting him get comfortable thinking that he was in the clear. Then I decided to play my game. I positioned myself across the aisle from him as he shopped through some cologne. I was very obviously not paying attention to the petite women’s gloves I was trying on my big, bony hands; and at the same time I was giving him what must have been the most accusing, angry and frightening face in the world. In the moment he saw it his face went white and his smile was wiped clear off his face. He took a couple gulps of air, and got out the cell phone. Wouldn’t you know it not an instant after Dan makes a call Leonardo picks up his phone. Dan frantically tells him that there is this “bamf following him around the store and that they better drop their stuff and get the frick out.” (again simulated conversation going through my head)
So Dan books it back to where he had concealed his underwear stash, and dumps all 7 pair behind another piece of merchandise. I then followed Leonardo and Dan as they scampered out of the store. I collected the evidence and started my reports. So I am adding up the prices of the underwear, and they are mostly name brand boxers, but they also include my all-time favorite stolen item…the name brand pair of whitie-tighties. The funny thing is, all these underwear were on clearance, and had been dropped down so low that the most expensive item was $6, ummmm really, are you serious. His prized whitie-tighties were a steep $1. I mean, I would never be one to go out and commit a crime, but believe me I’d be pulling off some kind of heist to set me up for life, not risking jail for a $1 pair of underwear. So Dan, if you are out there reading this, please just ask next time, and I’ll buy the briefs for you, I’m sure I can find some change in my pockets to spot you.
At this time I would like to note that sometimes we do not stop a person on a technicality in our policies, which are designed to protect us from getting sued. And since I don’t want to let all the shoplifters reading this know the best way to steal, I’m just going to leave it at that. On this occasion one such technicality occurred, and I could not stop him, so the next gun I have in my arsenal is what basically amounts to scare tactics; basically letting the shoplifter know, you know, and convincing them that it’s not worth it to risk getting caught. So I decide to do this, and go to the floor to get close to him and play with his mind. If I seem strangely amused with playing with his mind, it’s because I am, a grown man should not be stealing underwear, and if he does deserves to suffer for it. So I followed him through the store letting him get comfortable thinking that he was in the clear. Then I decided to play my game. I positioned myself across the aisle from him as he shopped through some cologne. I was very obviously not paying attention to the petite women’s gloves I was trying on my big, bony hands; and at the same time I was giving him what must have been the most accusing, angry and frightening face in the world. In the moment he saw it his face went white and his smile was wiped clear off his face. He took a couple gulps of air, and got out the cell phone. Wouldn’t you know it not an instant after Dan makes a call Leonardo picks up his phone. Dan frantically tells him that there is this “bamf following him around the store and that they better drop their stuff and get the frick out.” (again simulated conversation going through my head)
So Dan books it back to where he had concealed his underwear stash, and dumps all 7 pair behind another piece of merchandise. I then followed Leonardo and Dan as they scampered out of the store. I collected the evidence and started my reports. So I am adding up the prices of the underwear, and they are mostly name brand boxers, but they also include my all-time favorite stolen item…the name brand pair of whitie-tighties. The funny thing is, all these underwear were on clearance, and had been dropped down so low that the most expensive item was $6, ummmm really, are you serious. His prized whitie-tighties were a steep $1. I mean, I would never be one to go out and commit a crime, but believe me I’d be pulling off some kind of heist to set me up for life, not risking jail for a $1 pair of underwear. So Dan, if you are out there reading this, please just ask next time, and I’ll buy the briefs for you, I’m sure I can find some change in my pockets to spot you.
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